A few weeks ago, Dean's father died. It was his 27th birthday, and he was supposed to be away for the summer. I delivered my wishes via text, only to learn that he was in town because his dad had had a heart attack. He died shortly thereafter, never waking up again, and leaving Dean without the chance to say goodbye. We hung out, about a week after. He was still hurting and wanted a distraction that only I could provide for him.
I've known Dean for several years. Referring to older posts, he pops up from time to time - mostly to satisfy me in every possible way, in between dating other potentials. For a very brief period, an outsider might have viewed us as a couple, but now we keep our relationship behind closed doors, between the sheets.
When we hang out, it's as if we'd seen each other everyday before that. We keep in contact all the time, but it's always via text since he's usually away somewhere else. He's working now, which is an improvement from when we were together before. He's also finished school and found something he loves to do - work outside with nature. Mostly, he chops wood and does landscaping at a kids' camp. (I can't help but picture him as a lumberjack all sweaty and ripped.....sorry, mental tangent).
He's "joked" before that one day, he'll marry me and we'll find me a gayboyfriend to replace the emotional maturity that he lacks. He's aware, and I've told him before, that the reason we were never really together was because I was afraid he’d break my heart. He had cheated on all his prior girlfriends, once was with me, so I would keep him at arms length because I didn't want to get hurt. I pushed him away, probably subconsciously wanting him to push back.
I think the turning point for us was after I ended “things” with him to date Shawn. Since Shawn and I quickly fizzled before Christmas of that year, Dean and I began hooking up again in February. One night, while house sitting at my parent’s remote country house, we had what we now refer to as Sexapalooza. We were finally able to really open up to each other. We divulged all skeletons and we made a pact that night to continue sleeping together, as long as each of us was single. He was still in his lazy, unemployed phase, and I didn’t want to deal with that. That night was over a year and a half ago.
Now, and for the past year, there has been no one else on his end. It's kind of nice knowing that I'm the only one he's had the desire to be with over the last year. And it's not for lack of opportunity - he likes to tell me about other girls that hit on him. Likely, he's trying to see if I'll get jealous (inside, my heart swells) - but we aren't together, so he's free to do what he likes. He knows that I've been with other people, but we've always had that open relationship, with rules and boundaries.
I know, deep deep down, I love him. When I found out his dad died, I was secretly hoping it would be the catalyst that sparked his need for family and proximity to them. Right now it seems that he's running from that. I feel so stuck. Sooooooo much of me doesn’t ever want to let him go, and the rest wants to run forever in the other direction. I know if I don’t decide what I want, and give him the opportunity to respond, I’ll regret it forever. I’m just not sure I’m ready to hear “no” and let him go for good.
He is both Superman and kryptonite.
