How do I begin to describe the things that I feel? In my head they seem unwarranted; an over-reaction. No one else is thinking this, so why am I?
I've recently been dumped, without actually being told so. How do I know? Maybe it was something in his kiss goodnight? Wow. See, even in my own mind, I seem crazy. But now I'm getting ahead of the story.
After years of being single, 24 started to look up. I began a random relationship based solely on FABULOUS sex with a guy (we'll call him Dean) I had known for 3 years. It was amazing, blew my mind. But I knew deep down he would only break my heart, so I remained guarded. Nevertheless, things clicked along. From a spectator view, we appeared happy. We never left the apartment, however.
Then, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date. I was nervous/excited! It was a real date. And I thought we hit it off right away. Maybe I was fooling myself, because I wanted a boyfriend and he was offering, but I figured that what I was feeling had to be true. After only two dates, I ended things with Dean. Shawn and I went on a slew of "fairytale" dates: limos, roses, diamonds and gold, extravagant and expensive gifts. No joke, this guy was trying to sweep me off my feet and laying it on thick! And for a different girl, this would have worked. I saw right through the gifts. He was a good person but I saw he had no love for his family, he worked hard but his only goal in life was to make a lot of money, despite his own happiness, and he had no connection with his own desires, and no interest in learning what it was I really wanted. He did what he thought I wanted, without ever asking. And when I asked him to do something for me, he ignored it and did what he wanted. So I ended things.
Single, again.
Enter Mike. We met randomly when he contacted me about booking a band at my work. When we finally met face to face (while I was still with Shawn), we had chemistry, and when things with Shawn went south, I told Mike to "keep in touch". Well the texting began. Messages here and there, at first. Then everyday. He took me flying in a 2-seater puddle jumper. I never admitted to him how scared I actually was, but the thrill was so worth it. I thought this was great: a normal, down-to-earth guy that actually likes me! Wrong. The texting stopped soon after that. For 2 months I heard nothing. And out of the blue I get another message. Figuring that I had nothing to lose [Dean and I were still messing around but I knew there was nothing concrete there] so why not continue talking to Mike? So I did, for months. We saw each other a total of 5 times in 5 months. Crazy, I know. Then I asked that question a girl should never ask: do you like me? His answer dodged the question entirely. He told me it seemed he had no time to even meet me, and that he really didn't have time to pursue a relationship. I had no clearer point of view than before I had asked, and now there was pressure. Frustrated with his constant texting, but lack of action I told him we needed to take a break for a while.
My friends, sensing my slump, forced me to sign up for online dating. The free sites, a veritable meat market, scared me off. So now I'm on eHarmony. And that's how I met Dave. We had a great first date. Lots of talking, flirting, kissing goodnight! Everything seemed great. We had an even better second date, that ended the same way. And then date three brings us to where we began. A night I had planned: A museum opening that I had been waiting for for literally years! It was altogether a great night. We had a glass of wine with my roommate and her new bf. Then, we enjoyed the museum for the next couple hours. He walked me home and kissed me goodnight...Seems normal right? Well there was something in the way he told me he would be busy for a WHILE, and that he was too tired for a walk. It's been a week and I haven't even gotten a text. I knew that night would likely be the last time I saw him.
Why is dating so hard? My roommate, best friend forever (BFF), was single for 6 years. She kept saying she wasn't ready for a relationship but by May she would be ready. And voila: her brother in law sets her up with a guy he knows, and now, three weeks later they are a new couple. She made it look so easy. And all of a sudden my circle of friends, who have been a tight group for 8 years, has changed. Every single one of them is in a relationship. And I'm the lone one standing. I've been fearing this day my whole life. Is it jealousy that I'm feeling? Yes. Anger, frustration, confusion, yes yes yes.
Currently I'm torturing myself with a movie about romance, love, and flat out passion. Tomorrow is another day. Right? I'm going to be happy again someday? Am I actually questioning the notion that perhaps I won't be happy someday? I used to be so optimistic. Have I been so easily broken? There are other fish in the sea, and I'm convinced that I can find love, one day. But until then, you'll have to suffer through my irrational, yet oddly on-point, ramblings about my misguided love life. Enjoy! Someone might as well.
