I caught myself testing my friends this week. It was completely non-verbal; they didn't realize I was even doing it. I don't think even I realized it at the time. It took an episode of Cougar Town for me to see how I’d been acting.
I can't deny that I've been exponentially emotional lately; it’s gone on longer than I care to admit. Between my lacklustre dating record, my fruitless relationships with Mike and Dean, my Grandfather passing away, being infected with salmonella, and my....well you get the idea, I can’t say I don’t know why I’ve been feeling so glum. Why is it that we find it easier to dump on the ones we love when we’re feeling our most vulnerable?
Ladies’ night is supposed to be a place to unwind, laugh, cry, be you and let everything go. With my sharp attitude and burgeoning alligator tears, I didn’t seem to care about what was being discussed. I was letting my PMS dictate my emotions and my slump navigate my behaviour. So, I pouted. In my head, this is where the test began. It was simple in execution: look upset until someone asks you about it. Huff, stare at nothing, answer “fine” to every question, anyone can master it. I believe I peaked when trying to get my parents to feel guilty for punishing me when I was younger. It’s the silent treatment to the nth degree.
I have my reasons, besides my general woes, for being upset and with the weight of my wallowing getting to me, irritation prickled at me like a tight sock. My BFF was wrapped up in a haze of new love and self pity (she doesn’t handle illness well). It didn’t matter what she said or how she said it, I didn’t want to hear it. Since Ladies’ Night is an outlet to grill and dish, I sat listening to my other friends gush about their fantastic relationships, as well as console Cecilia, who’s contemplating breaking up with her BF. Participating in the evening was laboured on my part. I was being a giant sour patch kid, and I knew it.
When it came time to leave, I was feeling particularly icy. In the car, I let the tears fall on my cheeks and denied wiping them away after the third time Cecilia asked if I was okay. When I got home, I cried. I let everything spill out in the privacy of my bedroom. Mission accomplished? Hardly. I managed to draw negative attention to myself, look pathetic, and I denied myself the pleasure that is [generally] Ladies’ Night. It wasn’t until I composed myself and turned on the TV that an episode of Cougar Town threw down a line that I couldn’t ignore. “It’s not fair to test your friends when they don’t know they’re being tested.” I was testing my friends’ perception of me, their intuition toward my body language, and their overall level of caring for me. I wasn’t giving anyone a fair shot at it, however, by repeatedly dismissing their concern. I was perpetuating the test and playing on their patience with my quivering bottom lip.
This time I got through the night without actually generating any drama. The last thing I want is to lose my friends. They are fundamental to my happiness, although I understand my happiness doesn’t rely solely on them. I’ve realized that I can do more harm to myself by continuing to play the victim simply because I’m unhappy with my personal life. Rather than assume that the people around me are torturing me on purpose with their love stories, I’ve realized that they have EVERY right to be happy (or upset) about the things that are happening in their own lives. They are sharing what makes up their daily lives, and I should put aside my bad mood and be supportive. I know damn well that they will be there to laugh with me, support me, inspire me, hug me, and continually ask me what’s wrong when I’ve got a puss on.
They all passed the test.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
It's hard not to cry in the rain
Dating should be classified as torture sometimes. I mean, I've had the upper hand before, turning a guy down right off the bat, knowing he wasn't for me. And I figured it was in everyones best interest. I can hear the voice in my head warning me: "Don't lead him on. Don't let him fall for you. Stop his emotions from growing before anyone gets hurt". But I like to think I do it in a way that uses tact and sincerity; I take my own feelings into account before saying anything to him. However, turning someone down is hard, no matter what way you look at it.
It takes a special kind of coward to turn you down without actually introducing himself. You see, I've recently had the pleasure of being stood up. It was my greatest fear about dating, and online dating in particular. Let me tell you, it stings like a thousand bees.
So I had been chatting online with this guy, Walter. The conversation is great, witty and enjoyable, but taken with a grain of salt due to the online vehicle for communication. He's slow to respond. Rule 1: you don't want to seem too eager by responding quickly. After about two weeks of chatting, he asks me to meet for a drink the following Thursday. It works for me, so I pick the time, and he picks the place. I guess meeting on a street corner seems slightly odd in hindsight, but I agree.
I decided not to tell anyone. I'll tell people when there's something to tell. Of course, I talk to my BFF (roommate) because, well she knows anyways. However, I neglected to tell her my plan. I didn't think it would come up, and why bother. But she told EVERYONE we know, people we don't, and basically announced it after our softball game. Great! I decided the topic was best left alone as I hate fighting with her.
Thursday night is threatening rain; an otherwise invited guest to the heat swell we'd been experiencing. I arrive, one minute late. No sign of him. I circle the corners, giving him the benefit of the doubt as intersections have four possible corners. Nothing. The rain begins about 15 minutes into my wait. I've stationed myself in plain view, hoping we'd just missed each other. I can feel tears prickling the backs of my eyes and the rain begins to pelt the sidewalk, but I fight it off, in case he shows up. After 20 minutes, rain falling firmly on my face, I pull out my blackberry (he has my number) to check. Nothing. I check my online mail, nothing. I text my friend to tell her the great news, and proceed to drag my ass home, feeling embarassed and so hurt.
I think it was the girl sitting on the patio of the coffee place that got to me. She watched me, from the moment I arrived. I could see her out of the corner of my eye the whole time, wondering if she knew I was being stood up. She knew. I did everything in my power not to cry until I got home. A rogue tear escaped as I ran up the steps of my apartment, where Niagara Falls let loose on my pillow.
Now, not only am I hurt, everyone I know knew I had a date that night. I would have to relive the horrifying event over and over again. And there was no lying about it, or stretching the truth, since they would know before I could tell them.
Today was spent with all of my friends, coupled together for a pool party, then some patio drinking. It was me, alone, sitting at a table with 6 other couples. I left early, and went home to wallow in my ridiculous sadness. From the moment I arrived at the pool party, I knew that everyone had been instructed not to ask me about my date. I knew that they'd been informed of the incident, and not to bring it up. So instead of a relaxing pool day, I get knowing glances, and random, left-field questions about work, or some other "safe" topic. All of it hurt me, and they knew.
Since I have a pattern of torturing myself with romance and love, I'm reading a book about it to ease me to sleep. I kind of want to throw it at my roommate for inflicting this public embarassment on me, but it's not her fault. So, I will continue to paste the brave smile to my face, rock some confidence, and try again. I just don't know how many more tries I've got left in the queue.....
It takes a special kind of coward to turn you down without actually introducing himself. You see, I've recently had the pleasure of being stood up. It was my greatest fear about dating, and online dating in particular. Let me tell you, it stings like a thousand bees.
So I had been chatting online with this guy, Walter. The conversation is great, witty and enjoyable, but taken with a grain of salt due to the online vehicle for communication. He's slow to respond. Rule 1: you don't want to seem too eager by responding quickly. After about two weeks of chatting, he asks me to meet for a drink the following Thursday. It works for me, so I pick the time, and he picks the place. I guess meeting on a street corner seems slightly odd in hindsight, but I agree.
I decided not to tell anyone. I'll tell people when there's something to tell. Of course, I talk to my BFF (roommate) because, well she knows anyways. However, I neglected to tell her my plan. I didn't think it would come up, and why bother. But she told EVERYONE we know, people we don't, and basically announced it after our softball game. Great! I decided the topic was best left alone as I hate fighting with her.
Thursday night is threatening rain; an otherwise invited guest to the heat swell we'd been experiencing. I arrive, one minute late. No sign of him. I circle the corners, giving him the benefit of the doubt as intersections have four possible corners. Nothing. The rain begins about 15 minutes into my wait. I've stationed myself in plain view, hoping we'd just missed each other. I can feel tears prickling the backs of my eyes and the rain begins to pelt the sidewalk, but I fight it off, in case he shows up. After 20 minutes, rain falling firmly on my face, I pull out my blackberry (he has my number) to check. Nothing. I check my online mail, nothing. I text my friend to tell her the great news, and proceed to drag my ass home, feeling embarassed and so hurt.
I think it was the girl sitting on the patio of the coffee place that got to me. She watched me, from the moment I arrived. I could see her out of the corner of my eye the whole time, wondering if she knew I was being stood up. She knew. I did everything in my power not to cry until I got home. A rogue tear escaped as I ran up the steps of my apartment, where Niagara Falls let loose on my pillow.
Now, not only am I hurt, everyone I know knew I had a date that night. I would have to relive the horrifying event over and over again. And there was no lying about it, or stretching the truth, since they would know before I could tell them.
Today was spent with all of my friends, coupled together for a pool party, then some patio drinking. It was me, alone, sitting at a table with 6 other couples. I left early, and went home to wallow in my ridiculous sadness. From the moment I arrived at the pool party, I knew that everyone had been instructed not to ask me about my date. I knew that they'd been informed of the incident, and not to bring it up. So instead of a relaxing pool day, I get knowing glances, and random, left-field questions about work, or some other "safe" topic. All of it hurt me, and they knew.
Since I have a pattern of torturing myself with romance and love, I'm reading a book about it to ease me to sleep. I kind of want to throw it at my roommate for inflicting this public embarassment on me, but it's not her fault. So, I will continue to paste the brave smile to my face, rock some confidence, and try again. I just don't know how many more tries I've got left in the queue.....
Saturday, May 29, 2010
It's a start, right?
How do I begin to describe the things that I feel? In my head they seem unwarranted; an over-reaction. No one else is thinking this, so why am I?
I've recently been dumped, without actually being told so. How do I know? Maybe it was something in his kiss goodnight? Wow. See, even in my own mind, I seem crazy. But now I'm getting ahead of the story.
After years of being single, 24 started to look up. I began a random relationship based solely on FABULOUS sex with a guy (we'll call him Dean) I had known for 3 years. It was amazing, blew my mind. But I knew deep down he would only break my heart, so I remained guarded. Nevertheless, things clicked along. From a spectator view, we appeared happy. We never left the apartment, however.
Then, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date. I was nervous/excited! It was a real date. And I thought we hit it off right away. Maybe I was fooling myself, because I wanted a boyfriend and he was offering, but I figured that what I was feeling had to be true. After only two dates, I ended things with Dean. Shawn and I went on a slew of "fairytale" dates: limos, roses, diamonds and gold, extravagant and expensive gifts. No joke, this guy was trying to sweep me off my feet and laying it on thick! And for a different girl, this would have worked. I saw right through the gifts. He was a good person but I saw he had no love for his family, he worked hard but his only goal in life was to make a lot of money, despite his own happiness, and he had no connection with his own desires, and no interest in learning what it was I really wanted. He did what he thought I wanted, without ever asking. And when I asked him to do something for me, he ignored it and did what he wanted. So I ended things.
Single, again.
Enter Mike. We met randomly when he contacted me about booking a band at my work. When we finally met face to face (while I was still with Shawn), we had chemistry, and when things with Shawn went south, I told Mike to "keep in touch". Well the texting began. Messages here and there, at first. Then everyday. He took me flying in a 2-seater puddle jumper. I never admitted to him how scared I actually was, but the thrill was so worth it. I thought this was great: a normal, down-to-earth guy that actually likes me! Wrong. The texting stopped soon after that. For 2 months I heard nothing. And out of the blue I get another message. Figuring that I had nothing to lose [Dean and I were still messing around but I knew there was nothing concrete there] so why not continue talking to Mike? So I did, for months. We saw each other a total of 5 times in 5 months. Crazy, I know. Then I asked that question a girl should never ask: do you like me? His answer dodged the question entirely. He told me it seemed he had no time to even meet me, and that he really didn't have time to pursue a relationship. I had no clearer point of view than before I had asked, and now there was pressure. Frustrated with his constant texting, but lack of action I told him we needed to take a break for a while.
My friends, sensing my slump, forced me to sign up for online dating. The free sites, a veritable meat market, scared me off. So now I'm on eHarmony. And that's how I met Dave. We had a great first date. Lots of talking, flirting, kissing goodnight! Everything seemed great. We had an even better second date, that ended the same way. And then date three brings us to where we began. A night I had planned: A museum opening that I had been waiting for for literally years! It was altogether a great night. We had a glass of wine with my roommate and her new bf. Then, we enjoyed the museum for the next couple hours. He walked me home and kissed me goodnight...Seems normal right? Well there was something in the way he told me he would be busy for a WHILE, and that he was too tired for a walk. It's been a week and I haven't even gotten a text. I knew that night would likely be the last time I saw him.
Why is dating so hard? My roommate, best friend forever (BFF), was single for 6 years. She kept saying she wasn't ready for a relationship but by May she would be ready. And voila: her brother in law sets her up with a guy he knows, and now, three weeks later they are a new couple. She made it look so easy. And all of a sudden my circle of friends, who have been a tight group for 8 years, has changed. Every single one of them is in a relationship. And I'm the lone one standing. I've been fearing this day my whole life. Is it jealousy that I'm feeling? Yes. Anger, frustration, confusion, yes yes yes.
Currently I'm torturing myself with a movie about romance, love, and flat out passion. Tomorrow is another day. Right? I'm going to be happy again someday? Am I actually questioning the notion that perhaps I won't be happy someday? I used to be so optimistic. Have I been so easily broken? There are other fish in the sea, and I'm convinced that I can find love, one day. But until then, you'll have to suffer through my irrational, yet oddly on-point, ramblings about my misguided love life. Enjoy! Someone might as well.
I've recently been dumped, without actually being told so. How do I know? Maybe it was something in his kiss goodnight? Wow. See, even in my own mind, I seem crazy. But now I'm getting ahead of the story.
After years of being single, 24 started to look up. I began a random relationship based solely on FABULOUS sex with a guy (we'll call him Dean) I had known for 3 years. It was amazing, blew my mind. But I knew deep down he would only break my heart, so I remained guarded. Nevertheless, things clicked along. From a spectator view, we appeared happy. We never left the apartment, however.
Then, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date. I was nervous/excited! It was a real date. And I thought we hit it off right away. Maybe I was fooling myself, because I wanted a boyfriend and he was offering, but I figured that what I was feeling had to be true. After only two dates, I ended things with Dean. Shawn and I went on a slew of "fairytale" dates: limos, roses, diamonds and gold, extravagant and expensive gifts. No joke, this guy was trying to sweep me off my feet and laying it on thick! And for a different girl, this would have worked. I saw right through the gifts. He was a good person but I saw he had no love for his family, he worked hard but his only goal in life was to make a lot of money, despite his own happiness, and he had no connection with his own desires, and no interest in learning what it was I really wanted. He did what he thought I wanted, without ever asking. And when I asked him to do something for me, he ignored it and did what he wanted. So I ended things.
Single, again.
Enter Mike. We met randomly when he contacted me about booking a band at my work. When we finally met face to face (while I was still with Shawn), we had chemistry, and when things with Shawn went south, I told Mike to "keep in touch". Well the texting began. Messages here and there, at first. Then everyday. He took me flying in a 2-seater puddle jumper. I never admitted to him how scared I actually was, but the thrill was so worth it. I thought this was great: a normal, down-to-earth guy that actually likes me! Wrong. The texting stopped soon after that. For 2 months I heard nothing. And out of the blue I get another message. Figuring that I had nothing to lose [Dean and I were still messing around but I knew there was nothing concrete there] so why not continue talking to Mike? So I did, for months. We saw each other a total of 5 times in 5 months. Crazy, I know. Then I asked that question a girl should never ask: do you like me? His answer dodged the question entirely. He told me it seemed he had no time to even meet me, and that he really didn't have time to pursue a relationship. I had no clearer point of view than before I had asked, and now there was pressure. Frustrated with his constant texting, but lack of action I told him we needed to take a break for a while.
My friends, sensing my slump, forced me to sign up for online dating. The free sites, a veritable meat market, scared me off. So now I'm on eHarmony. And that's how I met Dave. We had a great first date. Lots of talking, flirting, kissing goodnight! Everything seemed great. We had an even better second date, that ended the same way. And then date three brings us to where we began. A night I had planned: A museum opening that I had been waiting for for literally years! It was altogether a great night. We had a glass of wine with my roommate and her new bf. Then, we enjoyed the museum for the next couple hours. He walked me home and kissed me goodnight...Seems normal right? Well there was something in the way he told me he would be busy for a WHILE, and that he was too tired for a walk. It's been a week and I haven't even gotten a text. I knew that night would likely be the last time I saw him.
Why is dating so hard? My roommate, best friend forever (BFF), was single for 6 years. She kept saying she wasn't ready for a relationship but by May she would be ready. And voila: her brother in law sets her up with a guy he knows, and now, three weeks later they are a new couple. She made it look so easy. And all of a sudden my circle of friends, who have been a tight group for 8 years, has changed. Every single one of them is in a relationship. And I'm the lone one standing. I've been fearing this day my whole life. Is it jealousy that I'm feeling? Yes. Anger, frustration, confusion, yes yes yes.
Currently I'm torturing myself with a movie about romance, love, and flat out passion. Tomorrow is another day. Right? I'm going to be happy again someday? Am I actually questioning the notion that perhaps I won't be happy someday? I used to be so optimistic. Have I been so easily broken? There are other fish in the sea, and I'm convinced that I can find love, one day. But until then, you'll have to suffer through my irrational, yet oddly on-point, ramblings about my misguided love life. Enjoy! Someone might as well.
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