Dating should be classified as torture sometimes. I mean, I've had the upper hand before, turning a guy down right off the bat, knowing he wasn't for me. And I figured it was in everyones best interest. I can hear the voice in my head warning me: "Don't lead him on. Don't let him fall for you. Stop his emotions from growing before anyone gets hurt". But I like to think I do it in a way that uses tact and sincerity; I take my own feelings into account before saying anything to him. However, turning someone down is hard, no matter what way you look at it.
It takes a special kind of coward to turn you down without actually introducing himself. You see, I've recently had the pleasure of being stood up. It was my greatest fear about dating, and online dating in particular. Let me tell you, it stings like a thousand bees.
So I had been chatting online with this guy, Walter. The conversation is great, witty and enjoyable, but taken with a grain of salt due to the online vehicle for communication. He's slow to respond. Rule 1: you don't want to seem too eager by responding quickly. After about two weeks of chatting, he asks me to meet for a drink the following Thursday. It works for me, so I pick the time, and he picks the place. I guess meeting on a street corner seems slightly odd in hindsight, but I agree.
I decided not to tell anyone. I'll tell people when there's something to tell. Of course, I talk to my BFF (roommate) because, well she knows anyways. However, I neglected to tell her my plan. I didn't think it would come up, and why bother. But she told EVERYONE we know, people we don't, and basically announced it after our softball game. Great! I decided the topic was best left alone as I hate fighting with her.
Thursday night is threatening rain; an otherwise invited guest to the heat swell we'd been experiencing. I arrive, one minute late. No sign of him. I circle the corners, giving him the benefit of the doubt as intersections have four possible corners. Nothing. The rain begins about 15 minutes into my wait. I've stationed myself in plain view, hoping we'd just missed each other. I can feel tears prickling the backs of my eyes and the rain begins to pelt the sidewalk, but I fight it off, in case he shows up. After 20 minutes, rain falling firmly on my face, I pull out my blackberry (he has my number) to check. Nothing. I check my online mail, nothing. I text my friend to tell her the great news, and proceed to drag my ass home, feeling embarassed and so hurt.
I think it was the girl sitting on the patio of the coffee place that got to me. She watched me, from the moment I arrived. I could see her out of the corner of my eye the whole time, wondering if she knew I was being stood up. She knew. I did everything in my power not to cry until I got home. A rogue tear escaped as I ran up the steps of my apartment, where Niagara Falls let loose on my pillow.
Now, not only am I hurt, everyone I know knew I had a date that night. I would have to relive the horrifying event over and over again. And there was no lying about it, or stretching the truth, since they would know before I could tell them.
Today was spent with all of my friends, coupled together for a pool party, then some patio drinking. It was me, alone, sitting at a table with 6 other couples. I left early, and went home to wallow in my ridiculous sadness. From the moment I arrived at the pool party, I knew that everyone had been instructed not to ask me about my date. I knew that they'd been informed of the incident, and not to bring it up. So instead of a relaxing pool day, I get knowing glances, and random, left-field questions about work, or some other "safe" topic. All of it hurt me, and they knew.
Since I have a pattern of torturing myself with romance and love, I'm reading a book about it to ease me to sleep. I kind of want to throw it at my roommate for inflicting this public embarassment on me, but it's not her fault. So, I will continue to paste the brave smile to my face, rock some confidence, and try again. I just don't know how many more tries I've got left in the queue.....
