Time. It's a funny sort of beast. It stands still sometimes and you think you'll never get past a certain point of reference. For me that point was 2010. I looked back on my posts and saw the negative energy that surrounded them. It didn't sound like me, I wasn't the person I wanted to be, but I don't know where I would be today without that realization.
Things have changed for me since September. I woke up one day and took back the life I used to have, back when I was happy. I reassessed the things that were dragging me down, and I made changes to support becoming the person I wanted to be. I can't say that I cleared everything up with my roommate, but we're not living together anymore and now we're back on track to being the friends we once were, which is all I can hope for.
Taking back control feels to frigging amazing! I hated feeling like my grip is constantly slipping, so finding my strength again was empowering. I told myself that finding "Mr. Right" shouldn't be a chore, and that I should be able to have fun while hunting! Reading stories of friends and their dating experiences gave me a boost to know that I wasn’t being singled out and tortured. I would be able to date again and one day rival both their great and horrible experiences.
I noticed that there was an imbalance between what I was looking for in a man and what I was finding. I did find plenty of men to satisfy me while I hunted for a satisfactory relationship, but realized after a terrible New Year's Eve hook-up, that I couldn't continue on that path either. Granted, casual encounters can make you feel wanted, but the feeling is fleeting and transient.
In mid-January, I ran into an old friend; truthfully an ex-employee of mine. Aaron was older, successful, but had run into a year of bad luck. Basically his 2009-2010 bent him over and made him pay for his lifestyle and choices. We hung out that night - a non-date. I didn't want to get involved with (unfortunately) ANOTHER employee, so I told him as much. But he was charming, fun, outgoing, and adventurous. He checked off a lot of my boxes, but I withheld THE box, knowing I wasn't fully there with him. I think it was his cool, no-drama approach to living (that he learned from life kicking his ass) that I admired most. I couldn't stop thinking about him, but I wasn't sure if it was true feelings, or friendship blossoming. Being a tech-guy, I knew he would be able to fix my laptop (it blue-screen-of-death-ed me). So I made up some excuse for a neutral hang out to fix it in a safe place - knowing I'd have an "out" if I didn't want it to be a romantic night. We met up and within the hour, his lung collapsed. He was calm and cool, no fuss - he drove himself to the hospital and I stayed with him until they wouldn't let me anymore. I called his parents (broke the ice early on that one) to tell them he was alright but filled them in on the situation. After that, I heard from him only to hear that he was alright but then, nothing. I figured, okay well he's been dealt a crappy hand (again!) and I will give him space and time.
A month later, hanging out with some friends at a pub, he messaged me out of the blue. He met up with us, and since then I haven't been able to pull myself away from him. It made me open my eyes and see that when you spend all your time focusing on what you don't want, and what others are thinking, saying, and doing - you lose the ability to see what it is that makes you truly happy. He makes me happy, and for now that's plenty for me. We've been on some great ACTUAL dates, both knowing we're on the same page with each other. I hate to admit it, but for the first time, in a VERY long time, I can say with total certainty that I'm happy - and I never want to lose that feeling again.
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